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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.


‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.


Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.


What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.


[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now


I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.


When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.


Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth