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Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is