@Reverend_Scott

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@TheAlexNevil

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

@CulturedRuffian

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

@SarahFemme

Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

@murrman5

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

@2tickytacky

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

@Desert_Musings

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

@thatdutchperson

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth