Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
*eats only grass-fed donuts
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.