Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like