Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

- @dixonshuman

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Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months



“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”


Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*


Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA


Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is


Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.


PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*


Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”


“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why


Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?