Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
When someone trying to leave me
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then