I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
You Might Also Like
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.