[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
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This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend