“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“you changed” bro i was 15
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true