Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
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Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
me: my friends:
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.