@meganamram

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

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@ThaJawn

UFO: *lands on my lawn

Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass

@AbbieEvansXO

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

@QueefTornado

I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.

@nottheworstmom

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

@BlindChow

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

@novicefather

Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

@XOperfectmessXO

You’re like a dressing room

You make me want to take my clothes off and try things