“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.


All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.


I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.


In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing


I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.


i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing


A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.


Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!


Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this