@meganamram

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

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@krustythe_klown

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@lexclem

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

@briangaar

In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing

@1Happytwit

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

@itsa_talia

i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing

@River_Niles

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

@dadmann_walking

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

@RobbyActually

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this