only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
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-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.