@myunclesmemes

Only Americans understand

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@coffeeandvinyl1

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

@moneebthinks

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

@markydoodoo

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

@Reverend_Scott

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

@stats_canada

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

@EndhooS

Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot

@urfavoritejoel

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

@dumbbeezie

Yes, autocorrect, that’s right. I hate that stupid ditch

@Boba_Photo

$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.