Only Americans understand

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry


ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that


Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.


god: we need some ideas for sharks

angel that loves whales: what about whale sharks

god: kinda similar to your last idea. anyone else?

angel that loves tigers: you should make a tiger shark

god: dammit does anyone have anything original

angel that hates nails: i have an idea


person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen


My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee’d in their pants


He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her


Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic