@myunclesmemes

Only Americans understand

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@FeverFlave

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

@HatfieldAnne

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

@NOTVIKING

god: we need some ideas for sharks

angel that loves whales: what about whale sharks

god: kinda similar to your last idea. anyone else?

angel that loves tigers: you should make a tiger shark

god: dammit does anyone have anything original

angel that hates nails: i have an idea

@PhilJamesson

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

@Just_Lee_

My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee’d in their pants

@tgilliland789

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

@neiltyson

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic