@TheTweetOfGod: Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.
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@DanMentos: interviewer: what’s your greatest strength me: you tell me interviewer: me: interviewer: delegating? me: that’s right
@bridger_w: Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: I got the dirt off. Wife: What does that mean? Me: *hides the leaf blower*