I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
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If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
These work great until they don’t.