My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.