@justabloodygame

Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd’s cries of “Free Bird!” were not a request, but a warning.

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@rolldiggity

Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?

@RobDenBleyker

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

@panmidwest

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

@sip_at_home_mom

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

@_Kim_Jongun

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

@Vodkantots

I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.

@KMDrunner

Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon

@gfishandnuggets

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

@mrsmith196645

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

@batkaren

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!