*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.