Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.

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8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.


[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]


“Will someone please just help me open this window? I need to smoke!”

Me, drunk on the airplane


Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.


inventor of acupuncture playing with a voodoo doll: ? ???? ?? ?? ???? ???? ???? ??????


[One week into body training]

Me: GOD this is taking so long

Trainer: how long were you expecting?

Me: …how long is Eye of the Tiger?


law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now


Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.


I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.