Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
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Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
gm
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed