@seamussaid

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

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@TheCatWhisprer

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

@OfficialBanks93

If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working

@BoogTweets

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

@WhaJoTalkinBout

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

@food_shoes_life

Bikini season is just around the corner.

Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.

@CulturedRuffian

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

@HoldinCoffeeld

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.