Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
only baby boomers will get this:
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My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Bikini season is just around the corner.
Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.