Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife