Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
You Might Also Like
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
me hooking up with my ex
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.