I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.