<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
sugar glider wrangler
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly