@Matt_The_1st

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

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@HatfieldAnne

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

@WinterRae82

Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs

@jazmasta

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.

@sofarrsogud

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

@Skoog

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

@JPLFR80

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

@Iwriteforcats

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

@poutinesmoothie

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.