My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!