this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
The government even made aliens boring
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.