@SaraESpivey
@marinarachael
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
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@marinarachael
@MarfSalvador
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
@Jake_Vig
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
@maisonwithapen
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
@Harpers_Halo
When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
@theshrillest
lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists
@SaraMansford
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
@climaxximus
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
@awkwardphilippe
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
@_queenofcool
You’re not a hopeless romantic. You’re just stupid.