My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
You’re not a hopeless romantic. You’re just stupid.