@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

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@jwoodham

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

@mishakey

I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.

@UnFitz

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

@DustinAHarkins

One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.

@slimmy_shady

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

@carlyken

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

@TySmithdrums

Thousands of religions and you’re damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,”So! What religion are you in for?”

@jamdugg

Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*