Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

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CASHIER: Your total is $18.54

ME: A fine year!



I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles


The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.


I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.


6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.


Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”


“I’m sorry I could never do that for you,” said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.


I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.