@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

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@marinarachael

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

@MarfSalvador

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

@Jake_Vig

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

@maisonwithapen

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

@Harpers_Halo

When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair

@theshrillest

lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists

@SaraMansford

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

@climaxximus

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.