Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
That de-escalated quickly
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.