Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

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Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”


Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.


I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.


Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.


One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.


My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.


I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.


Thousands of religions and you’re damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,”So! What religion are you in for?”


Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*