@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

- @SaraESpivey

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@OctopusCaveman

When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.

@troublewinks

Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?

Oh how we laughed and laughed….

PS: I need bail money.

@caribbeanaj

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

@KentWGraham

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

@TheAlexNevil

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

@iliezabeth

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.