@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

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@therealeatwood

CASHIER: Your total is $18.54

ME: A fine year!

CASHIER (WHO IS BLACK): Was it

@marbletonemedia

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

@louisvirtel

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

@realHamOnWry

I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.

@mompsychologist

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

@chrisdelia

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

@man_spach

“I’m sorry I could never do that for you,” said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.

@torrami

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.