@OctopusCaveman When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.
@SaraESpivey Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
- @SaraESpivey
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@OctopusCaveman 
@Anjalaaay I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
@roxyisrad Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
@troublewinks Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?Oh how we laughed and laughed….
PS: I need bail money.
@caribbeanaj Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
@KentWGraham Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
@petemandik [touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
@TheAlexNevil “If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
@iliezabeth ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
@Bandersnaaatch Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.