Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
english majors be like furthermore
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
True.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
reminder
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL