Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
me after drinking all the wine:
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Sorry not sorry.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?