Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
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i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
(2022)
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.