ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
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It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.