Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
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You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.