Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I laughed at this way too hard.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to