@ChaseLori

Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.

You Might Also Like

@iamspacegirl

*ring*

Mrs. Rabbit: Hello?

Mr. McGregor: Your kid’s in my yard again.

Mrs. Rabbit: Oh i’m so sorry, is he-

Mr. McGregor: yea he’s naked

@SortaBad

A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent

@Chase_Observes

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

@heatherlou_

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

@Home_Halfway

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

@cwilso

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

@EmmBalls

Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing

@CourtneyBale

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

@MisterBombay

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides