Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.

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“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein


Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.


Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.


Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..


Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.


*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.


If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…


Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.



me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol


me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes


I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.


Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]