@ChaseLori

Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.

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@KimDotcom

“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein

@ImKevinito

Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.

@drhappyknuckles

Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.

@BradNewsBears

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

@tuxedobarbecue

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

@wendchymes

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

@unravelingfire

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

@thombodytolove

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

@roxiqt

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

@imdaintyaf

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]