Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!