“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
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when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.