@SentenceReduced

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

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@pixelatedboat

*Bashar al-Assad pulls the fake handshake/hair slick move on Trump*
Dems: Yesssssss! Assad is bae now!

@david8hughes

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

@quinf0ster

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

@tastefactory

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

@lincnotfound

netflix: *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

@JermHimselfish

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

@TheHyyyype

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

@squidslippers

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

@TheCatWhisprer

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.