Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
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Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Time for evil
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!