Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.