Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
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I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.