*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*