*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
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How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Boy never ceases to amaze me
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!