@HeyoShellz

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

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@evanrhorne

I lost 42 pounds!!!

Help me find her before her mother comes back!

@SharkJelly

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

@MdUNH

Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.

@TheToddWilliams

[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear

@Bandersnaaatch

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

@AimeeHelene1

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

@FUN

Most laughs that you hear on TV shows today, were recorded in the 1950’s. Means, technically, you’re likely hearing dead people laughing.

@Carbosly

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

@BaileysIrishTom

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.