I lost 42 pounds!!!
Help me find her before her mother comes back!
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
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[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.
[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Most laughs that you hear on TV shows today, were recorded in the 1950’s. Means, technically, you’re likely hearing dead people laughing.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me redecorating every room in my mind