only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
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friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I’m calling the cops.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Thursday
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.