Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
You Might Also Like
[day 1 of covid homeschooling]
me: alright, it says we have to do some-
8yo: *bursts into tears*
“All lower case?” -your mom getting an email address
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”
Law and Order: Missing Shoe
Women’s speed climbing record was smashed. Under 7 seconds. Inhuman.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”