ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
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Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.