BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
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If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
therapist: u suffer from social isolation
me: oh no
therapist: you just need to talk to people
me: OH NO
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: Good night, moon.
[30 mins later]
Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.