Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
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November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Social distancing in Australia:
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding