Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
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Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
What do you hear?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.