Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Only your family knows what you’re truly capable of.
Every year my sister-in-law sends out an email to all of us assigning us our Thanksgiving dishes. The turkey, the stuffing, the side dishes, desserts, etc.
Every year I’m assigned “bottled water”.
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Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.