I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
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So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad