@andylassner

Only your family knows what you’re truly capable of.

Every year my sister-in-law sends out an email to all of us assigning us our Thanksgiving dishes. The turkey, the stuffing, the side dishes, desserts, etc.

Every year I’m assigned “bottled water”.

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@CatherineLMK

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

@senderblock23

Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno

@LackOfShame

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

@jimmytorosian

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

@Innocent_Knave

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

@CrackYouWhip

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

@underchilde

You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.

@ArfMeasures

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

@GregHenchman

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

@notfaizzy

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.