OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.