onlyenemies … for 4.95 a month i will make your life a living hell…

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What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole


ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?


To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.


Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.


BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted


Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..


I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.


two year old comes up to me asking if I’ve seen a dummy, unaware that she’s just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life.


Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!