Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
You Might Also Like
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
2 years later
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it