If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
onlyenemies … for 4.95 a month i will make your life a living hell…
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celebrities: time to 🎶 SIIIIIIIIING
Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….
I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.
So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.
SCIENTISTS: We’ve discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities
ME: Ok wow I’m right here
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once