@urvillageidiot

onlyenemies … for 4.95 a month i will make your life a living hell…

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@GloriaFallon123

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

@arb

crisis: happens

celebrities: time to 🎶 SIIIIIIIIING

@MondayPajamas

Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.

@MissHavisham

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

@TylerComeOn

I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.

So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.

@InternetHippo

SCIENTISTS: We’ve discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities

ME: Ok wow I’m right here

@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@HallpassCanada

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

@seamussaid

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once