Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

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Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….


Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.


I can’t believe I used to talk to people.


– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”


I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.


i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”


It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.


”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.