@bencoffeehall

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

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@10InchesPlus

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

@brittwastaken

If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?

@WheelTod

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

@UrplePingo

In honor of Columbus Day I’m going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find

@ObscureAaron

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

@badbanana

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

@DanMentos

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

@KittenWritten

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?