Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.