Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause