@bencoffeehall

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

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@Adyaces

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@Rivs01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

@Jeffwni

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

@mjkspeaks

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

@zachv86

i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”

@Dawn_M_

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

@ddsmidt

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.