Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up
Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
In honor of Columbus Day I’m going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?