Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
oh shit
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
our love story in four pictures
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?