Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
🤣🤣
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*