Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
also my go-to takeaway order
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.