I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.