@iamWillemDafoe

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

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@Sickayduh

“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”

@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

@dadjokehansolo

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

@TheWeirdWorld

If gym equipment were invisible, then gyms would look like silent raves.

@TheBoydP

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

@ThugRaccoons

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

@KinerdMccain

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

@Jake_Vig

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

@MatCro

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

@ddsmidt

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.