oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
WTF IS THAT!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.