@iamWillemDafoe

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

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@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

@stephenjmolloy

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

@Twtercide

Relationship status

Karate chopping hand holding couples’ hands apart at the mall

@IamJackBoot

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

@TweetPotato314

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

@peterjames48

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

@amazymay72x

Her: I’ve had gray hairs since I was 16.

Me: I got my grays after I got married.

Hubs: I CAN HEAR YOU!

Me: AND I LOVE MY GRAYS, HONEY!

@lunasgarden_

I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.