Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
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When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack